Hello dearest family, how have you been? I hope you have been having a great 014? Well I have being having a swell time though funny and revealing too (story for another day). Anyways my advice for you for 2014 is, let nothing or anyone steal your JOY which only God gives. Oh yes let us move to the matter at hand, it is the second post in the LOVE SERIES. So I am picking up from where I stopped in the previous post… are you ready???
Like I mentioned in my last post, most ladies might then ask, is it now a crime to be nice and accessible all in the name of guarding our hearts? Then the guys are like, “are we now suppose to tip toe around ladies or censor every speech before we utter them or flee from ladies? Haba, it hasn’t gotten to that yet but we all need to draw the line between friendship and romantic relationship and try as much as possible to avoid FRIENDLATIONSHIP… lemme explain.
There is a phrase I love saying, “define your friendship”. This is very important because it saves everyone a lot of stress and stories that touch the heart. We all need to get the issue of friendship right because when you get married or even start a relationship you will realise that FRIENDSHIP is as important as LOVE itself. After God I believe very strongly that the next pillar that keeps a relationship/marriage is FRIENDSHIP because trust me, our feelings can be very unstable, annoying and funny.
So it is not enough to know that he/she is just your friend, make sure you define the friendship politely, either by asking directly or stating it POLITELY to the friend so you both can be on the same page. I am not saying you meet a guy or a lady tomorrow and after exchanging pleasantries, you go like, “ehn ehn, let’s define this friendship o. We are just friends ooo” lol, c’mon that is certainly not what I am advising. But most times when we chat with people, there some we feel nothing for, no sparks neither is your heart pumping fast, but you enjoy such person’s company (do not be deceive at times this initially feeling could change) where as for some, we could hardly breathe or we start speaking grammar. Which ever is the case for you, make sure you take it slow and get to know, don’t fill your head with ideas the person hasn’t communicated to you. So when you are getting to really bond with this person and he isn’t saying anything or you really do not know where you stand, please ladies do not be shy to ask jokingly (or whatever technique works for you), “how far ade, what sup with us na”. For guys am sorry to burst your bubbles, but you guys have a lot of definition to do. You guys know when a lady is liking you na, (lemme give you tips, she forms vex at any or everything for no strong reason, “like han han na, you did not call back since 2hours that is unlike you” lol,* yes some very neutral friend can vex on the same account but that will have a good/better reason* this shows she is expecting your cal or gotten use to your calls. Also when you guys see face to face and she is kinda shy or extra careful or forms vicious to your jokes especially when you have company… she could be “like you”).
You sha know when a girl is sending signals, please if you know you don’t like her in that regards, define your friendship early enough, do not form, “i got this or i can handle it o”. If you have defined your friendship then act like a friend and not like a BOYFRIEND. But if you like her but you do not really know her enough, then get to know her but TAKE IT SLOW AND GET TO KNOW. You do not have to call everyday, every minute, asking for details of each other’s day etc, ROME was not built in a day. You are only permitted to go all out when you are sure you will date/marry her. Ladies we also have our part to play, if you are getting a wrong vibe or your mind is clouded with questions or you do not know where you stand especially if the bros is really forming serious paddy of life things, please do not be SHY to spill or ask questions POLITELY. I did not say propose o or ask the brother out. If he doesn’t give you a serious answer or if the lady refuses to accept your terms that you guys are just friends, ladies and gentlemen, you can like to retreat and protect your heart.
Any friendship that is not defined, that is, you do not know if you guys are going out or not or the guy did not officially ask you out or you guys in the bid of been friends or watching out for each other became extremely close so much so that people think you are dating or you guys are acting like you are dating etc then such friendship is called FRIENDLATIONSHIP. It is an undefined and unsafe friendship which is prone to heart break or pain later on. It is cheap, it is not genuine and most timit is a waste of time. Like 99.9% times. Let me explain this with one true life story.
Late Pastor Bimbo shared in one of her messages about a guy and a girl who became friends then best friends from year one to their final year, people thought and hope they were dating, in fact some eligible bachelors could not go near the lady because of the “presence” of her friend who was like boyfriend to her. She felt he would someday make it official by proposing to her. On this fateful day after graduation, the guy called her to talk about another lady he wants to marry, of course she wanted to faint and told him she has been waiting for him to propose and he said, “nooo o, we were just friends, you are like a sister to me” Like seriously??? Do they share the same parents ni? So the lady wasted years of emotional, financial and psychological investments.
Trust me i know and i have heard of ladies doing the same thing to guys. I know of a friend who was seriously heart broken by a lady who said, “we are good as friends i cannot marry him”. This also happened because of undefined friendship which lead to friendlationship. It is not only ladies that gets hurt even GUYS can be heartbroken. So lets begin to do what is right and necessary.
I learnt something deep from Michelle McKinney Hammond in her book, “The Diva Principle” which has blessed my life greatly and I will coin it so both ladies and guys can apply it. It is a golden rule to help balance and define our friendships, NEVER treat a FRIEND like a BOY/GIRL FRIEND, Selah… there are certain benefits and level of intimacy (of course minus sexual intimacy) exclusively for the one you want to marry or the one you are in a relationship with and it is important that this should be reserved for such special one. Same way there are benefits/levels of intimacy exclusively reserved till you are married. There are some knowledge you can’t unravel till you are married and of course sexual intimacy is till you are married (written and stamped by God, no matter how the hormone dey do us, there is GRACE OOO, selah). So we must learn to find balance. Yes it is possible to have good friends who are of the opposite sex but it is with discipline, caution and genuine heart. I will explain also with a story.
I know of a lady who loves meeting people. In fact networking is one of her hobbies. At some point in her life, she also played the question, “is he the one” over and over in her head whenever she meets some guys she just connect to. At some other instances she met some guys who she connected with and communicate regularly with them forming “I want to get to know them” in one week (chai in the early days of midnight calls, lol) then after a while for some she got bored, there is a bridge in communication and some disappeared (please note this “some” could be two, three or so guys not necessarily a lot). However, over the years, she has learnt how to define her relationships and thank God for some great guys who also never over did anything. The rule of take it slow and get to know and never treat a friend like a boyfriend no matter how nice you are has helped her a great deal in handling and enjoying her friendship with some great guys who over the years has contributed to her purpose, knowledge and indirectly prepared her for her BOAZ. The same rule of take it slow and get to know indeed worked well for her as she is engaged to her long time friend who she had once “friend zoned” saying, “he is just my friend no strings attached”. Well, that is what can happen, if we let the process of knowing someone take its due course. Now her fiancé is not struggling with any “supposed male friend or asst fiancé” in enjoying his engagement to her. Guess who the lady is… *wink wink* na me ooo.
So defining your friendship isn’t just for NOW but something that you will have to do even in marriage with other male/female friends, colleagues, secretaries, leaders, bosses etc. So why don’t you start learning to do so now, so you would make life easier for you and whoever marries you.
So if I have defined my friendship what next???
See you next time as we continue this LOVE Series… coming next, “can you date YOU”
Please do leave your comments and questions. You can also reach me personally on email@example.com